“can’t sleep”

We are on our way to NY and I cannot sleep for shit. I am too damn big for the seats, been awake for close to 24 hrs and in a lot of pain. So I get a whiskey/ginger ale and write a little. (ok 2)

It is crazy how the closer the surgery gets the more I am losing my ability to control pain. Walking to the car is becoming an experience that I would rather avoid. Over the years I have gotten pretty good at pain management. What I do is I tell my self that all the pain that I am feeling is actually in my right big toe, providing that I haven’t hurt that some how. My feelers are down there trying to see what is up and distracted from the real source. It took me years to learn and function in this and now it seems like over a few days I have all but forgot it. It is something that is happening subconsciously. Many who know me know that there is a part of me that does enjoy pain; I think more correctly I enjoy controlling it.

I am having a hard time figuring out why I am losing this gift of pain control. Is it fear, nerves, stress? Yeah those are all there. Maybe my body is just saying, “don’t for get what we have come through”, or “look what are getting rid of”. Yeah my body talks to me. Is there a part of me that has just gotten tired of dealing with it? Yeah, possible, would definitely explain the ease of the decision. I don’t know but it is really starting to piss me off.

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